Are all children full of piss and vinegar?

Two middle-aged women are chatting over vanilla chai in the kitchen. Ten-year-old Murphy is alone in the cream-tiled living room. The pumpkin muffins bakes in the oven.

Visitor Mom:  What's that sound?

Mom [unalarmed]:  Oh. Little Murphy is watering the plants in the living room again

[Visitor Mom leans over her chair and glances into the living room. Her face contorts, and she is flabbergasted.]

Visitor: I actually think he is peeing on the floor. 

Mom: [silent]

Visitor: Aren't you going to do anything about it? 

[The oven timer goes off, and Mom unhurriedly removes the muffins to a cooling rack]

Visitor: Shouldn't he be punished?

Mom:  He's really doing much better than he had been when we got him three months ago.  A couple of months ago, he was smearing his poo all over the kitchen cupboards. You should’ve seen the outside of the oven!.  But don't worry, he will clean it up eventually.

Visitor:  What do you mean?

[Visitor Mom politely shakes her head “no” when offered a muffin, being slightly disgusted.]

Mom:  At first, we would try to force him to clean up all of the nasty mess. We grounded him. We put him in his room by himself. We tried many other threats. Once we even had him walk the dog as punishment, but Skippy came home with bald spots.

Visitor: He did what?

[Her voice rises and eyes widen. Mom goes to the living room where Murphy’s pants are tangled around his ankles. She gazes at him lovingly.]

Mom: Sweetie, now that you’ve finished your (hobby), pull up your trousers and take your seat in the quiet corner.

[Murphy avoids looking at the Mom and averts his eyes. He reluctantly pulls up his pants and walks toward the kitchen.  Murphy sits in a chair facing a blank wall in the kichen assuming a yoga-like position.  He crosses his ankles and twists his arms into the shape of a pretzel, clasping his interlocked fingers to his chest.]

Mom: Alright son, you have you five minutes to think about what you have done.

[Mom takes her place back at the breakfast bar with her friend.]

Visitor:  So he doesn't get any sort of punishment?

Mom: Sometimes, I really want to beat his bottom red for some of his (hobbies), but Murphy came out a very physically abusive home, so we have do things differently than we would with our own homegrown kids.  He will clean up his mess when he is calmed down a bit. 

Visitor: Why is he sitting that way?

Mom:  Notice how his hands and feet are crossing?  This helps the brain to make connections between the emotional and the reasoning areas of the brain.  This will help him get out of the place in his mind where he is upset and get back to thinking about how is actions have consequences which he will have to deal with.

Although this conversation between these two mothers is fictitious, the behavior of the child (here named Murphy) is one that is very typical of a child that might have what psychologists have called Reactive Attachment Disorder or RAD.  The understanding of this disorder is critical for anyone who desires to adopt or foster children because there is a high probability that the child will have behaviors symptomatic of RAD.  One shouldn't be intimidated by this understanding. However, this reality should drive a prospective or current parent of an adopted/foster child to discern the challenges of helping a child with RAD.  With this sense of urgency in mind, it is of great necessity we understand the nature and recognize the symptoms of this attachment disorder.

The diagnosis portrays a person’s inability to truly attach or bond with another, primarily a caregiver.  This break in the bond is found most often in the mother/child relationship which is the most basic and formative relationship in a person's life.  In her guide to parenting children with RAD, When Love is Not Enough, Nancy Thomas, who is a therapeutic parenting specialist with much experience with severely disturbed children, symptoms are many for RAD  child would have a least half of all the symptoms (19).

The symptoms of RAD are many with these children.  Sometimes it is hard to recognize these symptoms unless you know what you are looking for.  Therefore it is important to know the basics of the symptoms of a child with this disorder.  One of the characteristics that is often found is a veneer of politeness and charm.  However, their sweetness is most often superficial-- especially to strangers, because they try to get on the good side with them so they can try to manipulate them.  Because of the fears that they have, they have a great sense of need for control of situations.  Therefore a child with RAD will use anything they can to increase their position of power such as: pity parties, triangulation of adults, destructive behavior and many other symptoms which can be seen in a comprehensive listing in Thomas' work (132).

 After briefly touching on the seriousness of the needs of these children, parents and advocates for these children must not lose hope.  There is a God who loves outrageously is as the most caring parent ever, and He desires to give empowerment to those who make themselves available to Him.  With lots of love and determination to follow through with these children, we can bring change and be a central piece in their restoration and release into their destinies as the healthy children they were created to be.